


Beautiful

by hyukko (CorellianSea)



Category: Super Junior
Genre: AU, Angst, Lots of sex tbh, M/M, Self Harm, gangster au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-15
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-06-05 02:25:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6685510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CorellianSea/pseuds/hyukko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You begged me to stay, but before I could even say yes, you already left.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Present

 

 _In my shoes, just to see_  
What it's like, to be me  
I'll be you, let's trade shoes  
Just to see what it'd be like to  
Feel your pain, you feel mine  
Go inside each other's minds  
Just to see what we find  
Look at shit through each other's eyes

t’s a scary feeling— to feel so light that it was almost as if you were floating in the air.

 

         Hyukjae often wondered what death was like, on so many levels he knew to an extent, but also was clueless to the matter since his mind trailed off on so much. Hyukjae always did imagine death as nothing left in the end, just a black, hollow ending of another story. Humans would lose their conscience, memories and they would drift to the limbo of nothingness as their bodies rotted in the reality. There was no God he believed in, despite his parents being Buddhist or even his sister being Christian. After seeing what he saw before, experiencing the pain that he had at such a young age; mercy was no longer something within his vocabulary.

 It wasn’t hard to connect the dots as to why his grandfather, the Kkangpae before him, was also non-religious. So it was the end of that thought train then— since these past months consisted of nothing but subtle attempts in hoping that his life would end already. He wanted it, yearned for it, and yearned for the ending of darkness with nothing but emptiness. Subtle soon became obvious and obvious became strikingly clear to any bystander.

He wanted to opt out so badly that it was the only thing that rang in his mind these months.

 

**(3 days later)**

 

             This night was no different than any other of his week, everything was consistent.  Work with his men, move his shipments of drugs, move firearms and other heavy artillery, keep maneuvering under the eyes of the police, care for the families vowed under his own family name and keep working until his eyes could not open.

Working, working, working.

It continued on and on, from early dawn where the sun peaked it’s bright head, until late night where the moon hailed its reign under lightly clouded, dark skies. Hyukjae bites his lips as his pale hands tighten on the grip of his leather steering wheel, sleek black speeding through the city’s highways while his mind fogs simultaneously with continuous dark thoughts that never seemed to leave him alone for very long. Fingers tap eerily in his silent car as he watches cars zoom right past him.

                                       He could just—

Jerk his hand to the left and everything would be over.

              The blonde knew the consequences of his thoughts yet it felt so unimportant in his mind. Like as if he was just thinking what he wanted to wear tomorrow— not thinking of what it would be like to just turn his car and fly off the railing, rolling down, down the hill until his car was bent and destroyed beyond repair, much like the fragile human being that was inside of the vehicle. His mind runs giddy as the thought of death rolls past his head, knowing full well that it wasn’t a healthy thought, but what came after it was comforting beyond belief. Hyukjae stares at the road ahead of him before his eyes narrow suddenly, eyebrows furrowing as his knuckles soon turn white, gripping the steering wheel with force unmatched. A smile plants on his lips while adrenaline pumps through his veins as he sharply turns onto the wrong side of the highway, the screeching honking of the fellow cars fell upon deaf ears as he slides and slams into a car.

Then everything is so, so still.

**(Time passed: Unknown)**

Hyukjae hoped in the back of his mind that death was also like sleeping, just not knowing what was happening around them… forever.  However, his slumber he hoped so much for was interrupted by subtle, continues shuffling sounds within a room that sounded so familiar yet so distant within his senses. His eyes open slowly, taking in dim lighting that was far back in the room and not missing that shadow that moved about on the walls.

 “You’re awake,” the man says, voice low and shaky as the figure approaches the warm bed. “You don’t know how much hell I’ve been through since I found you, Hyuk.”

A chuckle leaves chapped lips and Hyukjae is breaking out in high pitched maniacal laughter before being silenced by a strike to his left cheek. It stings painfully and his entire face is throbbing within seconds, brain still being rattled by the force of the hit as he eye’s Donghae hysterically.

It’s then he’s being pulled up roughly, double lidded mere eyes centimeters from his own doe eyes and a sharp nose nearly smashing into his own. “You little fucking shit,” he growls out with a wheeze, “You don’t even fucking care do you? You’re so fucking drunk in your nightmares that you don’t realize that I fucking need you too. You’re suffering, fuck, I know. But so am I.”

“Shut up, Hae,” Hyukjae rasps, spitting out a little blood that pooled in the front of his teeth and it doesn’t have enough force to even reach Donghae. It just splatters on his bandaged chest. The younger’s blow seemed to have split the inside of his cheek and his mind felt numb save for the continuous throbbing that never left. “You don’t fucking know what it’s like to be me. Walk in my fucking shoes, yeah? Be me, for a day even. Then we’ll see whose saving who in the end.”

“I know what you do--!” He growls, voice raising and echoing as his fist tighten on the hold of fabric he had but soon he softens dramatically, even his facial features even out until his eyebrows knit up and he’s choking on his own unspoken words.

“I know what you go through, I know what you have to face every day. And it’s just… Its fucking selfish of me to do this, I know that too…” He says while looking away before kissing Hyukjae’s bruised lips gently, quite the contrast of his actions from just minutes ago and the younger admires the way they unconsciously cling to each other despite the circumstances and situation at hand.

“But I love you so much. So fucking much… I can’t let you go Hyukjae, not even when you’re Eunhyuk. I don’t even care anymore. I just want you to stay here.”

Hyukjae is already sighing while Donghae sniffles with gritted teeth.

“Please don’t leave me alone.”

 

**(Time passed: Unknown)**

 

“That fucking hurts,” Hyukjae hisses, flinching while Donghae dabs a cotton ball on his side and cleans the gash running down his side. It wasn’t too wide, but it was long and it cut down most his skin on his upper to higher abdomen along with bruises that ran down to his hips and legs.

He could barely remember anything that happened after he woke up and fought with Donghae. That night he was driving and arguing with his own dark thoughts, then driving out to the other side of the highway before everything went black… After that he couldn’t remember anything but distant flashbacks and occasional loud sirens.

How he ended up here and not a hospital, he had no idea.

“Pain means you’re still fucking alive.” Donghae spat back at with much distaste. He throws the cotton ball to the side of the sheets before grabbing some white napkins and cleaning up the blood mixed with peroxide that ran down into the maroon bedding. More scowling comes from thin lips as he shifts on the chair beside the bed he was sitting on and grabs more items from the first aid kit sitting atop the duvet.

Hyukjae chuckles lightly while turning his head, ignoring Donghae’s stupid comment. He knew what pain was like, and he also knew what being on cloud nine was like.

“I wish you had some weed or something. Everything fucking hurts right now and you being an ass about medication isn’t helping.”

“That’s probably because you would swallow all the fucking pills if I wasn’t looking for a second.”

“You know me so well, babe.”

 

**(Time passed: Unknown)**

 

“Stop moving,” Donghae says while helping him climb into the tub. “If you keep throwing your legs around like that, I’m going to drop you and then I’ll leave you here.”

“Shut up. I cry one tear and you’re already at my side in seconds.” Hyukjae snorts while gently placing one skinny leg into the warm water, and then the next with Donghae’s much needed assistance. Even though it was a bit degrading for a man like him to be carried around from his underarms, he’d rather have Donghae doing it than some nurse again. After all he had a few broken ribs and his hip was fucked to hell. It hurt like shit to walk even a little for him.

He moans softly at the feeling of being enveloped by warm water, liking it more than the cold dry sheets he’s felt these past days. Hyukjae didn’t know how long he’d been here so far—Donghae didn’t bother telling him the details of the day and from what he knew since waking up and watching the sun set to rise, he’d been here for four days or more. Most of his days consisted of nothing but watching TV, cuddling with Donghae (more like Donghae gluing himself to him when he came from work) and tending to his extensive wounds.

Hyukjae found that he liked sleeping more since it was cold; the crisp air was more welcoming than the humid heat they’d been facing over these few months. He thanks the slow but gradual change in weather and sighs aloud when his thoughts are interrupted sharply by Donghae rinsing his hair with semi-warm water from the extendable shower head.

“Would you give me a warning next time?” He hisses and lifts his good arm to brush blonde strands of hair from his eyes. The moisture turned the locks hay gold—not that Donghae minded the sight. He loved every part of Hyukjae after all.

“What are you talking about? I said ‘I’m turning on the water now’ and you ignore my ass. Then you blame me.” Donghae rolls his eyes and grabs the shampoo bottle to squirt some of the thick liquid into his hands before threading his fingers through Hyukjae’s hair. “You were too busy drifting away in your thoughts.” The younger is quiet before adding, “…It’s scaring me. You’re not telling me your thoughts like before.”

“What is there to say?” He replies bitterly. “I tried to kill myself again. It’s not my first attempt.”

“Yeah, I realize that it’s not the fucking first time.” He pulls out a knot with his fingers and ignores the whine from the elder. “But this time… This time it almost got you. You almost died if I didn’t find you in time. Do you even realize what happened? Do you even remember?”

“… No I don’t. I don’t remember anything.” Pale fingers brush through the bubbles running down his pale, scarred and currently scratched up chest. “I just remember waking up to you. You hitting me and kissing me. That’s about it.”

A warm, more calloused hand cups Hyukjae’s cheek and Hyukjae looks up before immediately looking away when he realized that his face wasn’t exactly the most handsome one as of now. After all the left side of his temple marked a gash that wasn’t covered by his usual white bandages and his eye swelled to the point where the lid drooped lower than the latter. 

Donghae speaks up and forces Hyukjae to look up again with a gentle grasp. “I’m sorry about that. I really am. And I know that I hit you--” he breaks off before trying again, “But I was really fucking worried about you. I didn’t even know what to do. I took my eye off you for a few hours and then I find you in a fucking ditch with police surrounding you and shit and I just--”

Realization sets in and Hyukjae kisses Donghae’s wet, trembling lips when his voice breaks again and again, not giving up on what he wanted to say. ”I-I thought I lost you again. I th-thought you were dead when that fucking officer came up to me and asked who the hell I was. He asked if you had any fucking family and I—“

“Donghae…” Hyukjae says softly, resting a slightly wet hand on a warm neck when Donghae’s touch leaves him in favor of wiping away tears that fell quickly. The younger sniffles before backing off entirely, wiping his whole face that was flushed slightly at this point.  

“I don’t know what I would do without you—a-and I know I’ve said it so many fucking times already—but I really don’t know. I w-wouldn’t know what to do every day when I come home and realize you’re not going to be home, and, and if you’re not there to kiss me when you wake up in the morning at that fucking ungodly hour before me. ”

Donghae settles on his knees, staring down at his loose pajama pants until Hyukjae forces himself to move to the edge of the tub to get closer. Water sloshes gently before quieting down. “Donghae-ah, I’m… I’m sorry. I knew things were hard for us, and I warned you what it’s going to be like when it comes to having a life with me.” The brunette unconsciously leans closer to the cold porcelain bath tub, mindlessly adoring his love’s voice, deciding that he didn’t hear it often enough. “I told you everything and I trusted you enough to tell you. You’re the love of my life, and hell, there’s no chance of anyone else but you in the future. I’m glad to have met you, you know.”

“You…. You sound like you’re still going to leave me.” Donghae whispers under his breath.

“….Donghae.”

“—you have to promise not to leave. Just promise me at the very least, if I even mean as much as you say. Please don’t try anymore,” The boy scrambles up to the edge of the tub, getting right up to Hyukjae’s face in effort to emphasize his point. “Can’t you see, Hyukjae? This must mean the Gods, destiny or whatever the fucks out there won’t let you die. Look at how many times you’ve attempted--” Donghae grabs the latter’s arm and jerks it to his line of vision, not really caring just how sore he was.

“Just look how many scars you have on your arm--” Hyukjae glances down to see bright red and maroon colored scars on his arm. Some faded to skin silver while others were strikingly clear near his veins. “And that’s just the physical proof! What if you’re just not meant to die yet?”

The boy was practically hysterical at this point; doing all he could to make Hyukjae understand and give any reason he could in order for Hyukjae to stop attempting. “Please—I’m begging you.” He pleads through his breathy words and choked voice while placing little kisses on bruised pale skin of Hyukjae’s shoulder, trying not to cry in order to make out his words. “Please stop. I fucking need you here too.”

“Everyone dies, Donghae. I just want to go a little earlier.”

 

**(Time passed: Unknown)**

 

Hyukjae moans softly when Donghae bobs his head, fingers gripping his thigh tightly but also avoiding the gash that was mere inches above his hand. Another breathy gasp leaves his lips as his balls were played with and squeezed, light breaths leaving bruised kissed lips and he grunts when the first two fingers enter him at the same time without much warning at all. Save for the sudden deep throating, the pain of the stretch was annoying clear for him. He hadn’t bottomed in maybe half a year or so and Donghae wasn’t exactly giving him an easy time when it came to preparation.

Two fingers continue his way deeper inside him as the younger breathes through his nose harshly, drinking in the musky smell of Hyukjae and finding comfort in the fact that sex was gradually merging back into their usual routine. At first Donghae was more than unwilling to do anything with Hyukjae until the latter had convinced him that he could take it as long as it wasn’t too rough or hard on his body. After all, they both hadn’t had release in a while as they only fucked each other.

As fucked up as their relationship was to each other, they were still faithful as can be.

Donghae pulls away with a loud slurp, knowing that Hyukjae more than liked the sound of it. “Are you ok?” He says while pulling back and scooting up a little more between Hyukjae’s legs.

The blonde nods gently and lovingly threads his fingers through long brown hair. “Yeah, I’m fine. It… It hurts a little but it’s to be expected.”

“That’s what you get for bottoming too little.” Donghae chuckles a bit and wipes his mouth of drool and pre cum. He enters a third finger and doesn’t miss the gasp that escapes Hyukjae’s lips as he presses right up against his prostate, curling upward before pulling right out and pushing in just as fast.

A loud groan echoes in the bedroom when a fast pace is kept and Hyukjae is throwing his head back while repeatedly saying Donghae’s name and pleading for more from him. “A-Ah! D-Donghae… Fuck, I thi-think I know why you love having my dick up your ass.”

The blonde’s eyes squeeze shut as he whines, feeling Donghae pull out his fingers in favor for something much better. He relaxes against the sheets before a loud buzz starts in the room and he feels something cold nudging against him down there. “What the hell are you doing?” Hyukjae starts, eyes wide before his eyebrows furrow almost instantly and he props himself on his elbows as best he could despite the ache ringing in his limbs.

“What the fuck do you think?” Donghae says while raising his eyebrow, as If Hyukjae’s question was the stupidest one ever. “I’m fucking you.”                                                           

Not caring for Hyukjae’s thoughts on the matter, Donghae pushes the cold, lubed toy into him with a quick jerk of his hand and the sound of Hyukjae nearly dropping himself back onto the mattress was a good enough answer to the situation. The blonde’s ring of muscle was stimulated greatly by the vibrations as Donghae relentlessly pushes in and out, aiming right for his prostate until Hyukjae is practically gasping and reduced to nothing. There’s a light hum coming from thinner lips as he props himself on his elbow and rests his head to the side as if there wasn’t a man practically writhing for him.  
  


“U-Ungh, D-Donghae, stop; I wa-want you to fuck me already, no toys, not tonight. Use your cock and fuck me--” Hyukjae gasps out, keening for Donghae to just stop already and stop teasing him in general; Donghae was always the relentless one like this. The vibrator presses up snug against his prostate and he belts out a scream of Donghae’s name, withering moans and quivers of his lover’s name leaving his lips constantly. Nothing seemed to be able to get enough air in his lungs while his back curls in a bow, stretching the barely healing wounds to an extent to where it could break.  
  
Unfortunately, Donghae misses the obvious sign and the gash breaks open, blood beading before spilling over pale skin.

“You’re so beautiful,” Donghae says while shifting the vibrator, satisfied with Hyukjae’s reaction and how only _his_ name left those bruised lips. “Your skin was always white. Even when we were kids, to teenagers, you didn’t really tan well either.” Brushing a dark hand by contrast, he smudges the scarlet liquid away while Hyukjae barely breathes; coming down from the edge he was nearly pushed over from the pain as well as pleasure.  
  
“You’re being a fucking sap.” Hyukjae snaps out of anger, not used to facing so much sinful delight before being denied of it all at once. He shifts on the sheets and shoves his hips away in effort of pulling the vibrator out. With little success, he manages to get it out halfway before Donghae decides that was enough fun for now. The sex toy was turned off, thrown onto wooden flooring, forgotten and not cared for the moment since it lost its use.

There’s a sigh leaving Donghae mouth, expression filled with nothing but disappointment as he rolls off the bed to grab a tissue and most likely wipe away the blood that was currently spilling over onto white sheets. “And _you_ have forgotten how to love,” the brunette says lowly, bitterly and the worst part, sincerely.

Guilt does eventually make its way into Hyukjae’s chest while Donghae cleans him carefully, heavy emotions filling his lungs rather quickly when a revelation dawns on him suddenly and not to mention—so late. The bloody tissues are thrown away soon and Donghae collapses onto the bed, sideways and ignorant of both of their little problems. It seemed that his mind was a bit too occupied for sex as of now.  
  
Hyukjae’s legs curl up to his chest defensively as Donghae lies nude before him, staring up at the ceiling fan with arms pillowing his head as flaccidity occurs when his mind is clouded. Beauty unmatched within his mind as he drinks in the sight and gently crawls forward, ignoring the stinging pain coming from his lower body. The cuts were now open, exposed and left uncovered until Donghae decided that he would help bandage him again.

“…Donghae,” He says softly and watches brown orbs dart to him.  
  


“I do love you-- very much. And I suck like fuck showing it… But I love you so much.” Hyukjae places a small kiss on Donghae’s forehead while keeping unneeded words from leaving his mouth. Laying his head on a firm chest, he watches Donghae’s Adam’s apple bob from swallowing nervously. After all, Hyukjae wasn’t one for tender moments much less vulnerability. “You… You did save me that night. …Thank you. Thank you for sticking with me for so many years, thank you for dealing with my problems. Thank you for thinking that I’m worth all the troubl--”

The elder jolts when he feels Donghae quickly rise up from the bed, situating himself in front of him and grabbing his shoulders to hold him steady.

“Let’s run away, Hyukjae. Just us. No one else.”

Hyukjae merely stares at him, wide eyed and completely bewildered that Donghae would ever ask such a thing. He knew of the consequences of abandoning the family, in fact, they would probably be hunted down for the rest of their lives if Hyukjae were to desert his throne of Seoul. A small, disbelieving smile forms on plump lips and stretches them. “Donghae, there’s no way. You know that. Why are you pushing for this-- _again_?”

Donghae shakes his head, “No, no, there has to be a way. We can contact your sister, we can get out of Korea—with her help we can. A-and your mother can come with us! We’ll leave the clan for good. Someone else will step up an-and then they’ll take over so you won’t have to--”

“I can’t let someone else take over, Hae.” Hyukjae lifts his sore arm to stroke Donghae’s cheeks that were riddled with once again, hysterical tears that formed within seconds of handling such a painful subject. Crybaby or not, this pierced his heart like a dagger. “My grandfather and father’s dying wish was for me to continue on the peace they had created. If I leave, the gang wars will come right back. The rape count will shoot up, the public shootings will sky rocket—you think the police has any jurisdiction here? Everything is run by me. I am the king.”

“Hyukjae--” Donghae says, still holding onto his desperately as he drops his head in near defeat to his lover’s word. “Please, just… think about this. You—you have to think of yourself for once! Not everything is about caring for others; you need to be selfish every now and then, at least once in your life!”  
  
“I _have_ been selfish!” Hyukjae snaps, snarling and practically shoving Donghae away until he stumbles back onto the mattress. “Don’t you fucking see?! You’re so fucking blinded because you love me, fuck, I don’t blame you because you’re fucking perfect to me too, but I’ve been so selfish that I’m willing to end my life, so _I_ don’t have to suffer anymore, I’m willing to end my life and leave the fucking _love of my life_ all alone--!”

“Hyukjae— ** _stop!_** ” Donghae nearly roars; face livid as he clenches his fists, veins bulging from his arms as he takes deep breaths to avoid actually slamming his fists into something—anything and unfortunately Hyukjae was also in the list of targets, and that was the last thing he wanted to hurt—ever. He stares down at a paler man, cheeks sunken from lack of eating, sleeping, scars riddling his chest, abdomen and arms as the latter takes little, short breaths, unable to fill his lungs properly.

He looks like hell.

By the time Donghae even tries to relax his expression, he realizes just how much he was straining his eyebrows and they’re sore at this point when he rubs his face, coaxing out the tense feeling he hated. “I—I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want to hear how bad you-you’re suffering. I see it enough by myself; I can’t take it in another form, not from your lips.” The younger’s voice softens, getting off the bed to slip on his boxers and pace around nervously. Still, anger boiled in him, but not from his lover, but from the situation his love was placed—no—forced in.

Hyukjae’s eyes avert him since his sincere words escaped his thin lips, emotion filling his heart, heavy and painful and he realizes this is exactly how Donghae felt every single day. A little more thought into this, and he imagines what life would be like without Donghae—and hell, that was no life at all. It was most certainly not a life he wanted to live in. But this didn’t stop his suicidal actions, suicidal thoughts, self-harm and dangerous drug use—it never has after all.

“Donghae,” He says softly, eyes still downcast from his thoughts. “If you don’t want to me to kill myself,”

The brunette looks over to him; finally, face wiped of tears but flushed from the action, eyes wide, eyebrows shot up and hands on his hips, distant hope riddled on his features, plain to see.

“Then maybe you should kill me.”

 

\---------------

Oh god, tell me what you think? I'm still pretty weary about posting this.

 


	2. Past

 

**(6 hours later)**

 

Thicker, callused tan fingers rake through soft blonde hair as Hyukjae sleeps, bliss upon his face as he sleeps with the help of pills. He hadn’t been able to get any sleep lately for dark thoughts plagued his mind. Nightmares were more and more common since he unknowingly fell victim to Donghae’s secret dosages of antidepressant he started slipping into his drink in a desperate attempt in helping him—it was really too bad the hallucinogenic nightmares  were particularly harsh for him. Hyukjae had refused to take any kind of medication after all and Donghae was afraid the drugs in his system would mix and become fatal with the illegal things constantly being filtered into his blood flow.

Donghae breathes out a gentle sigh, barely making a sound so he wouldn’t disturb his lover. It was around 9 in the morning and the sun was already up, barely creating enough sunlight to peek through the shades but enough to wake Donghae around half an hour earlier than normally. He barely got any sleep last night, more afraid that Hyukjae would soon realize he was slipping pills every day and he would sneak away and disappear like before. It’s not like it had never happened before, Donghae had kept him in house lockdown a few years before every now and then when things got bad, effectively removing all the knives and scissors in the house, along with any sharp metal objects that could cause harm. It was hard for the both of them, but Hyukjae kept his head down when this happened, knowing that it was for the best.

“Wh-why… Why aren’t you sleeping?” Hyukjae says with a light groan, eyes merely slits so he could stare down Donghae who was resting on his elbow in favor of watching his better half sleep.

“Just woke up a little earlier than normal, nothing big.”

Hyukjae turns on the sheets, snuggling into the duvet because he was unable to get warm from his lack of clothing. “Bullshit. I saw you watching me all night. I’m not an idiot.” He jabs his elbow into hard abs, ignoring the slight huff of pain from the action. “I couldn’t even get up to piss without you grabbing my hips and holding me in fucking place. Did you know you have a hell of grip when you’re sleepy?”

Donghae snorts and kisses his temple gently, curling back into the covers as well so he could wrap his arms around the smaller waist. “Blame my over-protectiveness when it comes to you, and well, not every guy was trained like you from age 13 or something, and besides, you can’t really blame me. I’ve grown kinda weary because you’ve left me in the night before.”

A wry smile forms on Hyukjae lips as he turns to face Donghae, their embrace now even tighter and closer now that his own skinny pale arms were wrapped around a stronger, thicker neck. He takes in the small details, comparing his body to Donghae’s in his mind. He was a lot more underweight now, arms and legs nothing but pale sticks and his ribs were more and more prominent over time. When he stands straight, the rivulets of the rib bones were plain to see. His lack of eating from his dosage of medication didn’t help, but he was forced to take vitamins daily by Donghae. At least he wasn’t getting high anymore, with that in his system, he didn’t eat at all.

“You’re right there, I give you credit. But when you met me… Hm, when were 15? 16? I kinda taught you some things before. Don’t tell me you forgot already?”

Another snort leaves Donghae as he rolls his eyes dramatically, “What? We were so young back then. We’re like—23 now, 24 by the end of this year. Yeah, I learned things over time, but not when I was that young. I just thought it was fucking cool as shit that you knew all these…things. Well not anymore I guess,” He suddenly shrugs, eyes averted subtlety, “I kinda wish I didn’t know how to kill someone and hide the body from the police perfectly.”

Hyukjae places his hand on Donghae’s cheek, liking the way Donghae leans into his hand affectionately and stares into his own eyes that were clearly filled with deep regret. “I wonder how things would be if I didn’t find interest in you... I wonder where we would be now. If I didn’t think you were cute with your insanely long brown hair in high school—that was against regulations, with your stupid grin and stupid messy uniform and your stupidly cute pout you had when you kissed me for the first time and I almost ran away from you because I was a scared little shit.”

Donghae’s eyes crinkle when he smiles at the memories of what he looked like before and how their first kiss had taken place as well. “I don’t think I would be much better off,” he says with honesty, taking Hyukjae’s hand in his and kissing the sides lovingly before nuzzling the skinny limb. “I would probably be in some kind of high business firm, working in a suit and tie, not married; everyday would be the same boring thing. Hmm… Or maybe,” Donghae ponder aloud, “Something tells me I would be married, maybe even a kid along the way or I would already have a kid.”

“That sounds like a wonderful life actually,” Hyukjae cuts in to whisper under his breath before kissing Donghae softly, jealously flaring in his stomach when he thinks of Donghae kissing a faceless woman and letting his child run up to Donghae before lifting the child into the air like any proud dad would. He didn’t actually want him to continue talking about it anymore. They break after a few long seconds, and the younger shakes his head, eyes closed and eyebrows lax.

“Yeah, a wonderful life to some, but no; I probably wouldn’t be truly happy. I would probably be thinking about the boy I met when I was younger when with my wife, and how he ran away from me when I was younger. Something would definitely be missing in my life. And that’s you.”

Hyukjae snuggles impossibly closer, warm torsos brushing against each other and they’re skin was starting to get clammy from the prolonged touches they gave each other while talking. Touched by his words, but also expectant of such an answer since Donghae was always like this-- he whispers sweet nothings and repeats his love for Donghae with furrowed brows. His face dug into his neck, unable to face the younger for now after being reminded of what happened last night—what he said, and how he broke Donghae’s heart in his haze of depression.

Again.

Soft pressings of their lips soon turned into more and more heated kisses; Hyukjae slides on top of the slightly larger man, duvet falling off his body and leaves him in his naked glory, Hyukjae continues to spread butterfly kisses all over his chest while panting lightly at the feeling of Donghae’s hands moving all over his skin all at once. With every touch, a fire sets in its wake. He stops soon however, pulls back a bit and prompts a questioning look from Donghae. “We never finished last night,” he starts and pecks his nose quickly with a small smile, “We didn’t finish making love.”

A simple variation in words is enough to mend Donghae’s damaged heart slowly, even if it were never going to be fixed entirely.

Scars were always one to remain.

 

**(8 years ago)**

 

_“I’m in love with him-- definitely,” A 15 year old Donghae says while fiddling with his school tie, lips pursed as he stares at the pale boy moving boxes with his dad around the corner of a candy shop. Apparently his grandfather owned it and he showed up there in his spare often. “No doubt about it…”_

_Jungso gives Donghae a little shove on the back, grin forming on his lips and hair bright, freshly dyed orange as of yesterday (and getting yelled at, at school today for going against regulations again, but then again, Jungso was to graduate soon. What’s the big fucking deal?) “You should go to him now! He’s always here for like, thirty minutes or so, has an ice cream on the curb alone before leaving. I’ve been working at that candy shop so long now, I know his whole routine.”_   
_Donghae looks back at his older friend with brows creased upward and peeks over the corner before bouncing back a bit and straitening his blazer. “Ok… How do I look? Should I go home and get changed? Shoot, I should have brought some extra clothes in my backpack or something… How lame is it to be in a school uniform…”_

_With a sculpted eyebrow raised, Jungso turns to Heechul who was eying the youngest with a smirk. “What? School uniforms are always sexy. Don’t you read those Japanese mangas where the boys would always wear their tie halfway done and their shirt was un-tucked? Do that.” He flips his blood red hair confidently and the fish grows jealous over untamed beauty (Well, that nameless pale boy was the most beautiful in his mind, hands down.)_

_“But I do that every day.” Donghae perks at him stupidly before the light bulb in his head finally lights up and he nods eagerly with that toothless smile that stole the hearts of so many high school girls already. “Oh, oh! Okay. Alright, I got this.” He nods and smoothed his shirt out before realizing that wasn’t the concept, and proceeds to muss up his clothing before being shoved from the corner by an impatient Heechul._

_Donghae crosses the street in a brisk pace, looking everywhere but his actual target, too nervous and scared if they had eye contact. (Which they had before inside the candy shop when he was buying some candy for himself and his friends, but he nearly shot through the roof with a blush and promptly ran out the building with a bag of goodies in his hand.) After about-- a good five or so months of frequenting the shop and seeing the boy, feelings grew quickly and small details were noticed over time. Like for instance, the boy was always in a black tank top and some cargo shorts, carrying boxes of candy from the truck and into the shop._   
  
_It never really occurred to Donghae until much later that the boy could be a drop out, for he did not look much older than him at all. Large mono-lidded eyes, short, messy and spiked brown hair and a gummy smile that barely showed up from what Donghae saw. But he adored seeing that smile; in fact, he loved it more than anything. Seeing the mystery boy after school was literally the highlight for the rest of the week, getting more excited at every coming Friday for shipments of candy to restock the store and of course, he would be there carrying boxes. So here was literally the moment of truth for him, a good half year of (stalking-- actually) watching him is going to pay off because here—Donghae was going to introduce himself, let the boy introduce himself, and then he was going to ask him out on a date (with the help of his older Hyung’s for transportation because the poor lad barely had enough money for bus fare.)_

_He approaches the curb after eying the side of the road carefully while crossing it and jumps on the pavement, the mystery boy coming right of the truck’s inside haul with a white, dirtied towel swung over his shoulder and sweat on his pale forehead. Even though it was a cool, almost crisper day in this autumn, it was still hot enough to break a sweat and Donghae felt his face heat up, nerves once again getting to him. Donghae throws an unsure look over his shoulder to see his two best friends, practically brothers, shooing him to just go and say hi._

_The boy turns and catches Donghae’s eye and he tilts his head almost automatically from the sight, the schoolboy was never this close to him. In fact, he merely figured he didn’t like him at all for he would avoid him always when he was around. So he jumps down onto the pavement, seeming to be looking for the older man he always worked with until Donghae stumbles into his view and gets awfully close for a stranger’s comfort._

_“H-Hey!” Donghae starts so very softly before nearly screaming out the rest of the greeting, starling the boy before him. His arms tense are tense at his sides, fists clenched tightly to keep him rooted to the ground and not running off on the other direction._

_“Hi…”_

_The fish boy feels his heart leap to hear his voice directed to him for once and is unable to refrain from showing his full blown smile, crooked teeth and everything. “My name is Donghae!” He says loudly again before he sputtering over his breath and choosing a lower volume to speak with. “L-Lee Donghae… Um, what’s your name?”_

_The latter averts his eyes and wipes his forehead before gently grabbing his other arm, clutching it rather protectively to himself. “I’m… Hyukjae. Nice to meet you.”_

_Donghae lets out a boyish giggle, (puberty was still in the works, ok!) and smiles again, fondly, “Can I take you out on a date?”_

 

_\---_

 

Seriously wishing i had a beta reader lol

 


	3. Past pt 2

 

**_(2 years later)_ **

 

_“You’re 17 now, babe. You should be learning how to drive already.” Hyukjae says while Donghae nearly throws himself into the passenger seat of his own car and sees those thin lips turn into frown after stuffing his backpack into the back of the expensive Porsche._

_“I suck at driving,” Donghae says with an irritated expression, “So you can just drive me around forever because you’re the best boyfriend ever.” He leans over and while ignoring the ‘damn right’ and pecks Hyukjae’s awaiting lips before grinning. It had become a ritual almost; Hyukjae would be here every day after school to pick him up, they would share a quick kiss (or maybe even more) and share a date together before Hyukjae would take him back home safely. “Besides, I would probably kill myself trying to learn anyway.”_

_The laughter he hears is always perfect._

_It was difficult to be honest, not knowing what Hyukjae was up to every day. His silver, sleek car was eye catching, along with the amount of money he always had and seeming to gain more by the week, while unable to quench his curiosity for Hyukjae didn’t open about his family or past. People from school made rumors from day one when Hyukjae pulled up in front of the school, previously texting Donghae he would be there to take home from school with a car he bought himself, (Donghae seriously thought it would be an old starting car like any 16 year old would start with,) but instead showing up leaning against a thousand dollar car and Hyukjae pressed a hard kiss to his lips for everyone to see while strong arms pulled him extremely close. Donghae was flabbergasted of course, but silently pleased to know that Hyukjae wasn’t the slightest bit afraid of showing affection in front of others._

_From the first time that they had properly introduced themselves to each other, they never left each other’s minds for very long. There was always something about them that kept the cogs going in their brains. Donghae had asked him out with faltering confidence then, but the confidence was shattered when Hyukjae refused, not refusing the fact that it was because he was a boy, but the fact that he didn’t want to date. More determined than ever, he forced himself to get over that lump of depression from the rejection and eventually persuaded Hyukjae by offering him strawberry milk in exchange for little chats on Friday’s after school._

_Now, they had been dating ever since coaxing Hyukjae into mini dates with him all those years ago. Over time he learned very little of Hyukjae, however much about himself and his own habits, for instance he was a clean freak. The older never liked anything messy, and the first time he went to his house (which was fucking large as shit,) it was nearly spotless with varying shades of almost monochromatic colors. Not much was learned about his family even until now, what he did find out was that man he worked with was actually his uncle, the man who owned the candy shop he stocked was his grandfather and his real father was dead. Hyukjae’s mother was around very little from what Donghae saw as well._

_Donghae hums softly in the car as Hyukjae belts out almost full speed on the highway, rather used to Hyukjae’s love for speed, and nearly screeches when he noticed a man sitting in the back seat. How the fuck he didn’t notice that earlier--? Fuck, he had no idea. Maybe he was too concentrated on Hyukjae, the music blasting from his speakers and his phone in front of him?_   
  
_“What the fuck!” He says loudly, prompting a look from Hyukjae that held nothing but slight annoyance. “Who the hell is this? What the hell is he doing here?” Donghae jerks a hand over to the male sitting behind him, curled up almost in an attempt of getting away from his view but also somehow seemingly proudly to be sitting there. He was lightly bearded, tattooed throughout most of his shown skin and was that… was that a fucking gun stuffed to the side of his jeans? At the moment he felt kind of rude since he wasn’t one to act like this, but then again, there was a fucking man he didn’t know in his boyfriend’s car carrying a fucking firearm at the moment._

_“Donghae, shut up,” Hyukjae rolls his eyes, turning out of the highway and merging into a slightly less busy lane. “He’s just a friend of mine. He’s going to be with me for a little while.”_

_“With you--? What do you mean by that?” Donghae furrows his brows, clutching his phone tightly and the charms that Hyukjae bought him were getting crushed in his hazed grip._

_“Yeah, he’s a friend of my grandfather’s. He’ll be with me for a little while.” Hyukjae pauses a bit in his words, “You know... Like a bodyguard or something. My grandfather is just a little worried about me is all.”_

_“Why in the hell do you need a bodyguard?” The younger looks back, practically gaping as assumptions blow through his clouded mind. Jealousy was there, of course, fuck, it was always there, but he still didn’t like the idea that his lover needed to be protected from something that he didn’t even know what. He hisses out the last part, “Shit, what the fuck did you do-- something illegal? Why do you need to be protected? Who’s after you!”_

_“Donghae--!” Hyukjae says while nearly slamming on the brakes, anger getting to him rather quickly as he snaps his gaze to the younger._

_“It’s none of your fucking business.”_

 

**_(1 and half months later)_ **

 

_“Hmm,” Hyukjae mumbles out softly as he kisses the warm neck directly under him, laughing lightly at the slight jerk from Donghae because he was still in the process of waking up from his nap. Love making, or so they liked to call it, was really tiring after a long day of school and such, but they somehow always found time for it in the end. “I love you,” he says softly and pulls away to see double lidded eyes opening up just enough so that they could drink in the image before them. Hyukjae brushes the long brown hair that Donghae would never cut since he met him (He would trim, but never cut it fully) and kisses his cheeks and nose affectionately._   
  
_“I love you more,” Donghae says almost giddily, waking up more and more with every touch Hyukjae so lovingly gave him. His legs shift under the covers and bump into his boyfriend’s, only to tangle almost immediately in seconds. Whispers of sweet nothings were always being exchanged among the two for they truly did love each other, always attached at the hip no matter what. Even after Hyukjae’s grandfather found out about their special relationship, much was done to stop their meetings and dates before, but Hyukjae always managed to pull through and find a way to Donghae again._

_“Does it hurt?” Hyukjae says while moving his hand down lower and groping Donghae softly but also making sure to squeeze hard to make Donghae mewl a bit at the feeling._

_“Nah, it doesn’t. Your cock is a fucking monster in bed, but I think I’ll be fine for soccer tomorrow.” Hyukjae laughs loudly at Donghae’s comment and shifts on top of him, eyeing Donghae’s blissed look of comfort and contentment before leaning down to place a chaste kiss on his thin lips that soon became a heated lip lock. Interruptions were probably Hyukjae’s strongest pet peeve he ever developed while growing up as a child and it only grew worse when he got older. Donghae knew being a teen was a factor and emotions were always everywhere, but Hyukjae had it much worse when it came to anger._

_Hyukjae’s bedroom door opens and Donghae breaks the kiss at the sound to see Hyukjae’s confused expression before he realizes that someone else is in the room. A deadly, poisonous glare is directed to the side. “What do you want?” He snaps almost immediately._

_The man that Donghae had first met in the back of the car was named ‘Hiro’ and he wasn’t exactly Korean. In fact, he was pure Japanese and spoke broken Korean from when he first conversed with him, which was roughly about a month ago. Hiro bows with deep apologies rumbling from his own thin lips, “Forgive me, sir. But something has come up. Your grandfather wants to speak with you about something.”_

_Donghae looks up at Hyukjae expectantly, almost shrinking under the duvet because he knew that he was still nude—and well… this was almost somewhat an invasion of privacy since there wasn’t exactly a loud enough knock and time given so that he could get dressed properly. Hyukjae senses Donghae’s thoughts easily and makes sure Hiro’s eyes were directly on his and sure as hell not looking at Donghae in any sort of way._

_“Tell him I’m busy. Can’t you fucking see Donghae is here?”_

_“I’d sorry sir, but he told me to come back with you.”_

_Hyukjae lets out an exasperated sigh and gets up, making sure to leave enough of the duvet to cover Donghae properly while he slides out of bed and grabs his own boxers, muscles flexing and giving Donghae something admire instead. (Though honestly, he was just as possessive of Hyukjae and maybe just a bit more, but Hyukjae was the one who actually got angry over it.) He turns over to Hiro whose gaze was fixed on the large window on the side of the room, concentrating while also keeping track of Hyukjae. At least he was polite, right?_

_“Baby, what do you think is wrong?” Donghae says, getting up slightly and ignoring Hyukjae’s possessive glare at his actions. So he pulls the covers even higher until Hyukjae’s gaze softens almost completely. “What’s wrong with grandpa?”_

_“Don’t know,” Hyukjae replies honestly, throwing a worn gray shirt over his torso and slipping on his baggy shorts. “I thought my grandpa would be staying out of town for a little while longer. He didn’t tell me he was going to be coming home anytime so I thought I would be free for a bit longer. Last time he called me he was in Kyoto still.”_

_Donghae pouts at his words and the older smiles and bends down to peck at his lips. He sits to the side of the bed, continuously ignoring the fact his so called, ‘friend’ was still standing there, and affectionately cups Donghae’s cheek. “I’ll be back soon. I want you to get something to eat, help yourself. Watch a movie or use my computer. If I don’t come home tonight, then sleep here and someone will take you to school tomorrow morning, alright? I don’t want you using those shitty buses.”_

_The fish boy laughs at Hyukjae, “The buses aren’t that bad! I like using them. You meet some interesting people there sometimes.” He nods eager and tilts his head at Hyukjae snort. “But yeah, I’ll be fine babe. Just go and do your stuff. It’s not like you haven’t left me here before.”_

_This time, Hyukjae frowns deeply and Donghae sighs. “Look, seriously, its fine. You have your own stuff to do and I have my own stuff to do. I’ll get some homework done or something. I’ll be fine.”_

_“I love you.” Hyukjae says, kissing his lips again._

_“I love you too.”_

 

**_(4 months later)_ **

 

_Never ask questions._

_Donghae wasn’t exactly a slow learner but he wasn’t exactly a genius either. He learned at a moderate pace, and even though sometimes he was a bit oblivious to things, he was not an ignorant man. Things in his life were starting to get harder and harder to ignore every day. He had come from a normal family, one mother, one father (who passed away when he was a babe) and an older brother who was in college and helped with things in the family. Financially, they were not stable. Korea was a hard place to survive in and he wasn’t alone there. Of course, that wasn’t a big deal. He would just find a job and help with the bills, right?_

_Wrong._

_Hyukjae had refused to let him work. In fact, he refused to let his family do pretty much anything. The very first time he heard that Donghae stopped eating lunch at school in order to save money, he threw a fucking tantrum. His baby wasn’t eating—oh no-- that was not acceptable even in the slightest. Working? Even worse._

_They had their first real fight during their relationship over this while Donghae thought it wasn’t that big of deal since not everyone had the financial stability that other’s had, one would simply work harder in order to get by. Hyukjae was furious and prompted that he would help. Donghae refused of course, until Hyukjae showed up with one new car for his mother and another new car for his brother. Bills were sent to him and high quality groceries were paid, and delivered by him. How Hyukjae managed to do it all? Donghae didn’t know._

_And he was quite fucking sick of it actually._

_“You never tell me anything,” Donghae mutters under his breath one evening while they were curled up on Hyukjae’s large expensive couch in the living room of his equally large house. “Why don’t you ever tell me anything?” He turns his head to see Hyukjae gazing back down, just as serious._

_“Donghae, we’ve talked about this before. I’m not an open book like you are. Sharing things is hard for me.”_

_“But you not sharing this makes it even harder on me.” Donghae tries his best to give reason, only to receive an irritated sigh from Hyukjae now, arms tightening around his waist. “I mean, I love you and I know you love me too, but I don’t think you trust me at all. Trust is important between friends and relationships too.”_

_Donghae eyes the news channel without much interest, sighing softly when he feels Hyukjae’s grip tighten, another report of the maniac of a gang leader; Eunhyuk striking the streets again with a gang war, but instead, stopping one for the police this time. Some called him a villain in disguise, and another called him a hero disguise of you looked close enough. Hyukjae never liked watching the news much in general._

_“I do trust you, baby,” he says while kissing the top of Donghae’s head, the little pony tail brushing against his neck when Donghae turns and claims his lips gently. “I trust you with my whole life.”_

_“Then why won’t you tell me anything? It’s not even a matter of curiosity anymore,” he sighs, “Sometimes you come home with bruises and cuts. Sometimes you vanish from me for days at a time without calling me and shit. What are you-- a superhero or something?” He ponders aloud when he thinks of the Eunhyuk man being spoken about on the flat screen in front of them. “Are you iron man? A genius with lots of money and stuff?”_

_Hyukjae scoffs with amusement but Donghae is still not satisfied. “I really want to know, I’m worried about you.”_

_“I can’t really tell, babe. I really can’t.”_

 

**_(3 months later)_ **

 

_Donghae taps at his new shiny Korean license card with a light smile. He had finally gotten it after 6 months of driving with a permit properly. Around the day Hyukjae had first made a comment about his lack of driving was enough to drive him to get one. Even though he was still 17 and could just take the test when he was 18, he went through with the classes to please Hyukjae. Despite his lack of car, he liked the fact he could drive Hyukjae around instead of Hyukjae hauling his ass around all the time to get to places._

_He sets the card down on the kitchen counter of Hyukjae’s house, a pleased expression still plastered on his face knowing that he did this without Hyukjae’s knowledge whatsoever (at least he thinks so, so far). Suddenly the sound of the front door nearly bursting open from a ways away and he curiously peeks his head out to see what was going on. The house was empty save for Hyukjae’s grandfather every now and then but other than that, Hyukjae was always alone here with him._

_The sight that greeted him made him scream the loudest he ever had in his lifetime. Not a loud howl of laughter or anything close of the sort of volume, however fear, fear stabbed through his chest and he breaks into a run to reach Hyukjae who was stumbling into the house with Hiro at his side, doing his best to hold him up. Blood was everywhere, running down the side of his face, spilling from the corners of his mouth and also practically gushing from his shoulder that was covered with a blood soaked rag. It did no justice in helping._  
  
“Hyukjae--!” Donghae screams again, rushing up to him and holding his face with trembling hands. “What happened?! Why are you hurt?! Oh my god, Hyukjae--!” He wails when his love falls onto their knees, panting heavily and pale as a sheet. Looking up to Hiro, he sees that he was beaten up as well. Face bloodied and swollen in various places that alarmed him, with his heart pounding away in his chest, he starts crying at Hyukjae who looked like he was about to pass out. For the first time, thoughts of ever losing Hyukjae pass through his mind quickly and he can barely process each one as a it flies by.

_“Get him upstairs now,” Hyukjae’s grandfather makes a rather sudden appearance, approaching from his study that was to the left of the front of the house. With arms crossed behind his back, he shakes his head at the sight but doesn’t make a further effort in helping. “I’ll call someone. And you--,” He turns to Donghae and the mere high schooler’s heart practically jumps out of his chest, eyes wide and welled with tears._

 

_“You don’t belong here.”_

 

_\-----_

 

_A/N; Comments are lovely._

 


	4. Past pt 3

 

**_(Two weeks later)_ **

 

_“Oh shit, I see him,” Donghae’s friend, Kyuhyun, says and breaks into a run to the other direction. Donghae merely gapes at him slightly before putting in his other earphone and turning up the sound as loud as he could psychically stand it. There, in the distance before him in front of the school that was crowded with leaving students, stood Hyukjae who was waiting for him. Arms crossed, shoulder bandaged from what he could see under that tank top and leaning against the car. Ever since Hyukjae was able to walk (which was really two days after the incident), he’d been coming back every day after school to pick Donghae up like normally._   
  
_But Donghae had been ignoring him since he was forced to leave by Hyukjae’s grandfather._

_At first he was practically hysterical, crying to his mother and crying to his brother who had rather expectant looks on their faces but comforted him none the less. After the two days, he told himself he wouldn’t even try with Hyukjae anymore until the truth came out, and that was also the day that Hyukjae had showed up at school, bruised and broken, but still there for his boyfriend like always. With a huff, he passed him and Hyukjae ended up punching the side of his car until the alarm went off, but he didn’t stop there, he kicked around and kept kicking the tires as well._

_So here he was again continuously showing up every day after school knowing that Donghae wasn’t going to go with him. Donghae’s mother worked and his brother had college as well and he still didn’t have a car or enough money to ride the bus or taxis. So he opted for walking home, and that was just fine with him. With the weather as warm as it was, sometimes he stripped himself of his blazer and school shirt and walked home in a tank top, knowing that Hyukjae’s car was following him on the road. Once, he looked back and saw the dark gaze Hyukjae had on him for his choice of clothing, but that didn’t fucking matter anymore. Not until he knew what the fuck Hyukjae was up to now and what was the cause for this all._

_He sighs when he turns to the left on the sidewalk, tank top making things a lot cooler for him and hears Hyukjae open the door to his car and start the engine to follow him again. However, this time, after two long weeks of missing Hyukjae’s voice, his touch, pretty much everything, he was going to stop at the nearby parking lot and confront him for the facts. Donghae loved Hyukjae far too much to ever let him go in his lifetime, and he knew himself that these weeks of agonizing ignorance was only temporary._

_As he draws near the parking lot, he stands there with his arms crossed until Hyukjae gets the message and pulls into the driveway, exiting the car with large shades covering most of his face. Donghae wonders how his wounds are doing and has an urge to just walk up and hug his baby, but he knows he can’t for now._

_For now._

_“You know what I want.” Donghae says lowly, ignoring the cars passing the empty parking lot in the road in front of them._

_“Yeah, I know.” Hyukjae replies, sighing lightly._

_“So are you gonna fucking tell me?” Donghae raises his brow, the volume of his voice slightly higher than before._

_“I’m Eunhyuk.”_

 

**_(6 hours later)_ **

 

_It had taken a good few hours for Donghae to coax out the whole story from Hyukjae after heading back to his house for the first time in a while, it was difficult hearing this all and even harder to not think of Hyukjae differently after, but they managed to curl up on the couch together, sharing multiple kisses and touches while Hyukjae spoke softly, under his breath. Emotion welled over him a lot of times which honestly surprised Donghae a lot. Over the years, what he had learned was that Hyukjae had a fucking 12 inch wall in front of everyone he’s ever met, save for Donghae. To see him get choked up and cry a couple tears was more than enough to break Donghae’s heart a little._

_Lee Hyukjae was also Lee Eunhyuk, the Kkangpae (gang lord) of the Geulimja Gisa and or Shadow Knights of Seoul. Donghae had always thought they were an old legend, of course, there were gangs prowling all over Korea, some were worse than others but the police had kept the media’s attention away from it all no matter how bad it was in the cities. It all started with Hyukjae’s great grandfather who grew up in the outskirts of the city was mixed into the wrong people when he grew up; they were quick into getting into trouble and creating problems. Soon, somewhat of a gang was formed and it only grew after that._

_As bad as it sounded, there was more of underlying story to this all apparently. His grandfather was dying of MS and he wanted to turn a new leaf before he died, so he turned his men around and forced them to do the right things while also remaining as a family. When Hyukjae’s father passed away in a car crash when he was a mere boy of thirteen, the line was broken and his sister was to take over. Though women weren’t exactly looked up upon in Korean, she refused to even take the position and left for the states for college without consent. So that left Hyukjae._

_When he was thirteen, he was pulled out of school and made legal documentation that he was being ‘homeschooled’ though that wasn’t entirely true. Yes, he was learning things every day, but what it consisted of was how to get away with murder. Shipping artillery under the noses of the police, how to set up cocaine labs and make drug mules carry them around to distribute around the city._

_It was hard._

_There wasn’t much else to explain anymore._

_Hyukjae cried his eyes out and clung to Donghae for most of the time when he spoke of his training and what he was expected to carry on when his grandfather died. He was pushed hard at a young age and the only time he was really let out of the house and the Gibon (the base) was when his uncle distributed candy for his work. Only then he was allowed out and about._  
  
His mother wasn’t exactly a supporter in this all. Of course, she respected her father in law’s wishes and urged Hyukjae to do what his heart told him, but her opinion on the matter would never be considered by anyone. Over time, her vulnerability grew when members learned that the elderly lady was his mother, news would spread to other gangs and she instead was secretly transferred to Incheon to live there instead of Seoul. Living without his mother was even harder, his grandfather’s harsh guidance didn’t help much either; apparently Donghae was his only source of true happiness despite the situation at hand.

_Touched by his heartfelt words that Donghae actually considered being sincere (because he now knew Hyukjae could be one hell of a stone cold liar and apparently he was trained to do so), he holds Hyukjae impossibly closer and tells him again and again that he loves him, that he would never leave him for whatever reason and that he would always be there._

_And he planned on keeping that promise no matter what._

_For the first time now, he knew the truth about Hyukjae and that was all that mattered._

 

**_(One year later: Donghae’s Graduation)_ **

 

_“I’m so proud of you baby,” Hyukjae shouts while the crowd continues to cheer and play music as the high school students moved about in their long black robes and square hats tilted over their heads. He kisses Donghae on the lips and smiles at the slight whoops coming from Donghae’s group of friends who always seemed too damn shy to ever say hi to him. Not that he minded however, in the end it was less for him to worry about in general._

_“You better be! I worked really hard for it.” Donghae laughs loudly and waves the scroll where his copy of the diploma was rolled up. The real one would be sent to his house soon and he would be free of forced school until he planned on college. He hadn’t thought about it yet, nor did he want to, for if he did, the thought of leaving Hyukjae to study at some university was unacceptable in his mind so far. “Are we going out to eat after this? I’m starving!” The brunette pouts and blows away his extremely long brown hair, not wanting to cut or trim it since he was no longer going to be picked on by teachers now._

“Yes, yes we will. We’ll go to your favorite sushi bar and we can order all your favorites until you’re my fat baby.” Hyukjae bumps his nose with his own and kisses him again lovingly, pride swelling knowing that Donghae graduated and albeit saddened by the fact that he would never know the feeling as long he was in this occupation. The younger pouts at the comment and he adds, “What? Are you afraid that ill dump you just because you gained some weight? You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Donghae just laughs and peck’s his lips repeatedly, Hyukjae was unable to voice anything until Donghae was content with the amount of kisses given and received while in public.

 

That was maybe the last time they were truly happy.


	5. Part pt 4

 

**(4 months later)**

 

_The first time Donghae had went to the Gibon, was when he found himself continuously bored because of the fact that Hyukjae didn’t let him work and everything else was literally taken care of him. Not wanting to attend college in favor of staying near Hyukjae, he watched every movie that was on DVD or on cassette and watched every annoying stupidly cat video on the internet. Every now and then he would visit his mother and brother on the weekends, but he pretty much moved in with Hyukjae and his brand new house on the rich side of town. Hyukjae kept things simple for Donghae despite the fact he was known by the public as a vicious gang lord that pretty much ate hearts behind closed doors._

_Hyukjae left in the morning from seven in the mornings to even noon, the time always varied as well on the time he came back home. Sometimes he was home by dinnertime and sometimes he wouldn’t be back until early morning, leaving Donghae to wake up alone and rather sad about it. This was the first time Donghae’s depression sparked to life and he wanted to get rid of it as soon as possible once he realized it was present now. Growing up, he was the loudest and most content one around, how could he be reduced to practically crying when he woke up alone just because Hyukjae wasn’t always around him? With a heavy heart, he jumped into his car (that Hyukjae let him pick) and drove over to the fanciest salon he knew about and decided to get a hair change._

_In Asian culture, it wasn’t uncommon for someone to cut their hair in order to move on from the past. Donghae was determined from the moment he woke up this morning, that he would find a new attitude about his life and start to do something with it. So now, with slightly shaky hands, he unpins that long pony tail he’s grown over these few months and laughs at the way the lady who was doing his hair ogles at him, as if asking if he really wanted this._

“ _I want it off… I don’t want it to be past my shoulders anymore. I’m sick of brown too; give me a pop of color. Also,--” He stops and places a finger over his mouth in slight thought, “Make me look sexy.”_

_When they were done, Donghae didn’t really know if he liked it for he wasn’t one to ever die his hair other than the shades of brown and black he’s always used before. Unlike Hyukjae who was always looked for a new hairstyle to keep his identities different, it always helped with changing his features by either softening them or sharpening them rather effectively. So when he walks through the doors, the guards checked, patted and searched him, even though Donghae stuttered through his claims of knowing ‘Eunhyuk’ personally. They pulled out his wallet eventually that had a loving picture of them together along with his driver’s license that they thoroughly checked through the computer systems._

_(Just how high tech was this gang honestly?) It’s then Donghae realizes that it wasn’t really your stereotypical thugs you saw on TV, but more of the white collared evil businessmen… He shudders at the thought and eyes the guards in their blue, intimidating uniforms with badges on the sides of their shoulders. A call is made and the officer literally mutters a thousand apologies behind the desk before returning to Donghae who was patiently waiting and tapping his foot. The older man bows at least two times, explaining that he had to make sure and it was just procedure and that he was sorry._   
  
_Donghae was blown away of course, not expecting to be treated like this over something so small. He’d never come to the base before merely because it was such a large, intimidatingly huge building that well—in lack of better original wording, scraped the sky._

“ _Donghae,” He hears Hyukjae’s breathlessly call for him, almost worryingly and he sees—whoa what? Hyukjae comes toward him, hair spiked up handsomely and the tight, fitted suit he wore made the particular hairstyle stand out even more against pressed black. “Oh my god, Donghae,” This time he’s snorting along with his brisk pace, two men following along beside him. (This much looked like a movie honestly) “Your… Your hair. … It’s orange.”_

_Donghae laughs a bit and finds himself in Hyukjae’s arms all over again; kissing his lips softly with that same grin he had failed to lose over the years. “I know right? I must look insane,” he laughs again and ignores the compliment that escapes Hyukjae’s lips as his neck gets publicly molested by his uncaring boyfriend. “I actually just told the lady to do whatever she wanted in order to make me look hot. Ha--! I got scared as fuck when she came at me with eyeliner and other shit.”_

“ _Remind me to give her the biggest bonus of her life because I’m going to fucking destroy you tonight,” Hyukjae growls at Donghae and bites his neck softly; Donghae doesn’t fail to notice how his men started to look away to give them somewhat of any privacy and the younger pushes his boyfriend away with a smile. “Only if I get to return the favor later, but hey, come on, you’re at work right now! Control yourself you horny monkey,” Donghae smiles at the deep chuckle he receives from Hyukjae in return._

“ _So anyway, did you just have this sudden inspiration to change your hair color and throw on eyeliner and come to my office to seduce me or did you actually have something on your mind?” Hyukjae says while patting his boyfriend’s bottom and urging him to move toward the direction of the elevators, probably heading up to his personal office while the men followed closely behind them, their leather shoes clicking loudly against the tile. Donghae had learned to ignore them over time, and even got to know some of them, but he still didn’t exactly enjoy their rather prominent presence._

“ _Uhh,” Donghae drawls for a moment before averting his eyes from the men that weren’t even paying attention to him in the first place. “I already told you I’d been feeling lonely these days. I wasn’t really sure what to do. You’ve been getting so busy these days that I hardly see you…” Donghae sighs, twiddling his fingers a little when they step into the elevator. Hyukjae just leans down lightly and curves his body to the side so he can peck at those pouting lips he loved so much while Donghae keeps his head down._

_“I’m sorry, Hae, I really am. Since grandpa died, everything has been really overwhelming for me.” Hyukjae pats Donghae while he whines in guilt for feeling lonely in the first place. He couldn’t help the fact he was so busy after all, Hyukjae at least still tried to make time for his lover on the side._

“ _I was actually thinking about... College-- these past few days. I’m 19 without anything to secure me for the future.” His voice is a lot smaller and a lot more timid, afraid of what Hyukjae would think or say despite the fact they hadn’t even talked about this before. Even though Hyukjae had repeatedly said that he would be the one to take of them in the future, he still wanted to be sure. (Surprisingly enough, the thought of them going different paths did not come across his mind.)They step out of the elevator, hand in hand and Hyukjae’s lips are tightly lined, plump lips now nonexistent as he thinks to himself._

“ _Maybe you should try.” Hyukjae pipes up after they’ve entered his own office, now alone, mind a bit hazed at the thought of Donghae not being next to him, not there at his beck and call at all times. “…In the end, you’re right. I’ll be really busy for the next few months and I don’t want to just… keep you caged in like an animal.” Hyukjae settles behind his desk and sighs when Donghae plops right on his lap, a childish smile still plastered on his lips._  
  
“Are you serious?” He wiggles his bottom and prompts a growl from Hyukjae that doesn’t go ignored. Strong hands settle on his bony hips and Hyukjae grinds up and hard, “I mean, while I’m in the college, I won’t be here for you when you come home. I can’t make you my badly prepared meals that are filled with love and way too much salt.”

_In the midst of trying to peel off Donghae’s tight, multi-colored shirt to pinch and fondle at his nipples, Hyukjae coughs out a laugh at him. “I think I can do without your meals; you have been getting better though, don’t be so hard on yourself. However, I don’t know if I can last without you in general because I love you so much.”_

_Donghae is the first to initiate the kiss, pressing his lips hard against Hyukjae’s and his lower stomach almost immediately flares in lust when his shirt comes off and Hyukjae is running his hands all over him. He can’t ever seem to get enough of Hyukjae, 4 years, almost 5 years have gone by already and he still feels like he’s falling in love with him for the first time every day. Hyukjae was no better, for he craved—no, needed to feel Donghae at least once a day. Their bond was never to be broken, not in this lifetime._

_Donghae is practically thrown on the wooden desk with Hyukjae’s careful eye on what was underneath the boy, and pushes any pens and papers that would get in the way as strong thighs wrap around his waist and pull him closer. Hyukjae gasps at the sudden push against his groin and looks down to see Donghae palming the front of his pants with a needy, blissed face. They hadn’t exactly had sex in a while, the work of family keeping him away from bed at night and only gave him time for short cuddling sessions and quick kisses. Donghae kneads his bulge and is quick to sit up, undo his belt and pull down his belt._

_The younger pushes him away and jumps off the desk, a hungry stare focused on his lover’s standing cock and drops to his knees to fist the base of the erection. “Oh fuck, I miss this.” He says while dropping his head and taking in the crown of his dick in his mouth-- tongue swirling over the slit and digging into the tip of his cock with his slick muscle. Hyukjae moans under his breath, teeth grit as he rakes his fingers through Donghae’s styled hair and effectively messing it up even more when the latter starts bobbing his head. Hyukjae looks down and sees that Donghae has his other and down his tight, now unzipped pants and was stroking his own dick while blowing Hyukjae._   
  
_“S-Stop,” Hyukjae groans and forces him up, breath heavy and leaning against his large leather chair._   
  
_“Gonna cum so soon, baby?” Donghae lifts his head up, hand still pumping lightly, teasing him and licks the head one more time before standing and doing his best to peel off his black skinny jeans. (All his clothing seemed a bit too tight, what the hell was going on here?)_

“ _You’re not doing any better, Donghae,” Hyukjae hisses when the boy stumbles out of his jeans, underwear and reveals his dripping cock that stood rather proudly in the air. Hyukjae gives his bottom a harsh smack and pull Donghae close to him, hands groping his ass and squeezing the generous flesh while one finger trails lower to his crack and rubs at his entrance. Donghae tenses in his arms and Hyukjae is sure to take note of this, slowing down his pace despite his eagerness and kisses Donghae who shakily stood while his hole was being teased by a lone finger._

_They kiss, Donghae whimpering and gasping once that finger is slicked up by a quick coat of saliva and is shoved inside him. His prostate is struck and jabbed within seconds and his knees literally buckle until Hyukjae roughly pulls the man in his lap, second finger now lubed properly and pushed inside him to curl up against his sweet spot. Donghae’s face flushes instantly with every poke and job to his insides, and nearly cums hard if not for the sudden grip to the base of his cock. He trembles before glaring harshly at Hyukjae who only hums contentedly._   
  


_They never minded the fact of where they were at the time, call them indecent, call them mal-mannered but either way, they were always so indulged into each other that nothing mattered around them, their only focus was on each other. The loud cry that Donghae belts out for the first time since their little session started has Hyukjae clamping a hand over his mouth as he pushes his cock in deeper, ignoring the whines that filter through his fingers. Their tolerated limit were always flashing in their heads, always knowing when and where too far was when it came to sex, and well, as far as Hyukjae was concerned, Donghae loved being filled to the brim with a hard dick._

_Of course, it had to be his dick and no one else’s. That was a given fact._

“ _A-Ahhh, Hyukjae, I c-cant, mor-more, fuck!” He gasps loudly once the hand is removed from his mouth, words tumble out quickly and he breathes sharply through his nose as he wriggles on the desk, hands gripping the edges of the wood and pushing back against Hyukjae’s cock that was currently pounding into him without mercy. Hyukjae merely grunts as a response and keeps Donghae’s hands locked to his sides, refusing to let him touch himself so he could cum and relieve the building pressure._  
  
“Ah, ah, no, Donghae,” Hyukjae says mockingly, breathlessly as Donghae tries to move his hand so he could pump his length, wanting nothing more than to cum ribbons between them. He whimpers highly, and loudly, unable to articulate the words for what he wanted and whines even louder for Hyukjae to just let him orgasm already. “Don’t touch yourself baby, I’ll make you cum.”

_Donghae throws his head back and ignores the dull, echoing pain he feels when his head meets hard wood and somehow, Hyukjae’s pace goes even faster and now he’s gasping, wailing under his breath and begging Hyukjae to fuck him even harder. (Though honestly, the words didn’t really come out the way he wanted to.) His prostate is abused with every thrust and his legs are now thrown up and over his lover’s shoulder, the man’s hands is removed from Donghae’s and runs his fingers over his rather slick chest to tweak and tease his nipples. He’s high in pleasure, reaching cloud nine, the both of them are gasping into each other’s eats, breathing the same fucking air and groaning lowly._

_Hyukjae grabs Donghae’s hips and pulls him down on the desk, trying to get him to come closer since every thrust sent him up a few centimeters on the desk. The fucking paper was like a sled for him to slide over on the wooden desk. Donghae whines yet again, but this time it came out a little different, more strangled and Hyukjae has his eyes on his love for any signs of discomfort. The now blonde, takes notice of this and quickly moves his hands to pull Hyukjae in for a sloppy kiss, desperately whispering ‘I love you’s and begging-- pleading for him to fuck him faster and harder._  
  
Emotions run high in Hyukjae’s stomach as he grips Donghae’s hips even rougher than before, knowing that the reason of the sudden sex they’ve initiated in the office was mostly coming from his side; possessiveness flares within him because of the fact Donghae would be away from him, living in the dorms or his own place in the city, his watchful eye no longer there. The thought of cheating was always blown out of the window between the two, but just the wrong stare, the wrong smile, the wrong tone to Donghae had him seeing red, vice versa.

“ _F-Fuck, baby, I love you, I love you so fucking much,” Hyukjae growls out when he feels himself coming near; Donghae clenches around him rather suddenly and arches his back, arms falling off his neck and his nails rake the wood as his hard standing cock spurts out cum all over his chest. The older couldn’t even move with how hard Donghae’s grip was, so he stills himself for a few agonizing seconds before thrusting again, not forgetting to drink in the sounds of Donghae mewling at the feeling of his oversensitive walls continuously being stimulated. Hyukjae cums with a jerk of his hips, sliding his hips gently back and forth and just basks in the warmth wrapped around his aching cock. He feels wetness sliding down his bare thigh and quickly scoops it up with two fingers so it wouldn’t stain his pants that were down at his knees._

_Donghae sits up with ease and pretty much snatches Hyukjae’s hand before he could wipe away the excess semen away. “You’re wasting it,” The younger says while a smile and flicks his tongue out to lap at the thick liquid before sucking at his fingers. “Don’t waste the good stuff.”_

“ _Damn,” Hyukjae breathed, pulling his fingers away with slight reluctance on his features before grabbing some tissues and helping Donghae clean up. First he wipes his chest then helps him off the desk, in which Donghae chooses another time to be naughty than productive during his lover’s work hours. He bends over the wooden frame, turning his head and sticks his ass up, an innocent look on his features, double lidded doe eyes emphasized by knitted brows and he wiggles his butt for Hyukjae to wipe him clean._

“ _You’re just asking to get fucked again, aren’t you? Are you kidding me?” Eyes wide, Hyukjae stares at the semi-white liquid trail down light honey thighs._

_Donghae just laughs and crooks a finger at him, “We better get some more fucking done before I go to college.”_

 

_\---_

 

A/N: I do apologize for the odd formatting and spaces, my wordpad is acting up. Smut for this chapter. Happy birthday Donghae!

Comments ^^

 

**Author's Note:**

> Oh god, tell me what you think? I'm still pretty wary about posting this.


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